Online dating abusive relationships
someone either hits me or doesn’t; either someone puts me down or doesn’t; someone either attempts to control me in very visible ways or doesn’t).
I feel oddly — perhaps disturbingly — lucky and certainly thankful that I do not have any extreme tales of abuse to report. It is often insidious: You go from thinking you are falling in love to wondering why all of the “problems” in your new relationship seem to be your fault, and have no clear idea of how you got from point A to point B.
For these reasons it is you, and you alone, who is responsible for the relationship’s problems — or so you tell yourself.
I didn’t even think of it as abuse until a friend told me, about six months after the events, that she was a counselor for abuse survivors and if I ever wanted to talk I should PM her. I avoided my friends to talk to him; even when I was on vacation he texted me constantly. This sort of thing was supposed to happen to other people. I’d known about emotional abuse since elementary school, I could deconstruct rape culture with the best of them, I complained at my friends for hugging people who didn’t want to be hugged because that was a boundary violation. And as long as people were attacking him, he was allowed to use every tool he had to defend himself. In the online communities we both participated in, I found myself apologizing for him, cleaning up his messes, being the diplomat. When he told ironic racist jokes that made me uncomfortable, or sent me porn that I found faintly disgusting and didn’t want to see, I just swallowed down my distaste and pretended I liked it.Why do they have such a need for power and control?Some people will tell you that it's because they have a domineering personality, or low self-esteem, or a bad temper, or because they see women as possessions, or because they abuse substances.Perhaps you blame it on not having been in a relationship for a while; you decide you simply forgot how to be in a relationship.You assume — you convince yourself — you have become selfish because you have unrealistic wants and needs (like the need for unwavering, enduring respect and honesty).
And although these and other factors may be present, there is a deeper reason.